IN LONG-TERM love relationships, we get to know how our partners react to some of the things we characteristically say and do. Our arguments become a ritual dance in which we both keep repeating the same dumb steps. We get to recognize some of the ways we criticize each other, or rebut the other’s criticism of us.
After yet another go-around, we each promise ourselves, “I’ll never do that again!” A short time later, we find ourselves astonished when our ears hear our mouths spouting the same stupid stuff.
It may be worthwhile to say “I’m sorry” to the loved one we’ve wronged, but when it comes to the characteristic style with which we defend our hurt feelings, there’s no use swearing that we’ll never do it again. We’re better off admitting that, though we take responsibility for our words, we can’t always control what we say, asking our partners to help us recognize what we’re doing the next time it comes up.
Love isn’t just saying you’re sorry. It’s also trying to avoid repeating whatever you were sorry for.