IN Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst writes, “Parents unconsciously use and misuse their children. Do well. Make me proud. Don’t aggravate me. The unspoken deal is this: If you will bury the parts I don’t like, then I will love you. The unspoken choice is this: Lose yourself or lose me.”
When family rules from our childhood carry over to adult love relationships, often they translate into attitudes such as, “When I’m upset, you’re wrong!” If you are the one usurping the power, taking the position as parent, your mate is apt to retaliate just as a child might, by withdrawing or rebelling. There are many adult versions of these behaviors. For example, when we’re unable to get our own way, we may settle for trying to prevent others from getting their way.
Whether you’re the one blaming or you’re the one protecting yourself, it’s helpful to wonder why you are not acting or reacting in loving ways with someone you love. Usually, you’ll find that the bottom line is fear— fear of losing yourself, the other’s love, or both.
When we run scared, our capacity for love is limited.