Exposing as inner dimension we have hidden away for a lifetime doesn’t have to be destructive. If we want to face our fear that our relationship with the people we love would be ruined by full disclosure of our feelings, we may have to reveal how much we sometimes hate them.
That doesn’t imply that we want to act out our hate by attacking them physically or verbally, or even by threatening to do so. It is a very different experience for both people when we bracket our awful feelings within the context of our continued caring.
Even after a really awful argument, it’s possible to say softly, “I hate how much I hate you at times like these. Because you mean so much to me, I’m scared that now that you know how I feel, you won’t ever want to have anything more to do with me.”
Instead of one of us having to lose, amazingly we both can win. It’s astonishing how two who love each other can hear the caring intended in each other’s awful confessions. It’s even more astonishing when we can listen and love without trying to change the other.
Real intimacy requires exposing some awful feelings.