When our loved one show appreciation for something we do, we feel good about ourselves, as well as about whatever we did. Unfortunately, the approval of other people is an undependable source of self- esteem. When they don’t appreciate what we do, we tend to feel bad, taking their disapproval to mean there must be something wrong with us, instead of with what we’ve done.
Fortunately, there are measures of our worth that are more reliable than the approval of others. In place of depending on the love of others to make us feel worthwhile, we can substitute the joyful feeling that comes from loving them. When we become attentive to how good it feels to be with those we love (or even simply remembering what it’s like to be with them), we can claim wonderful feelings that are entirely in our hands.
Measuring our worth by how much we are loved by others may make us feel special at times, but the price we pay is the sense of insignificance we suffer when that confirmation is unavailable. The exaltation we feel when we allow someone else to mean a great deal to us is an affirmation that can be counted on even at times when they don’t seem to be loving us back.
Our happiness depends more on our own capacity for loving than on our being loved by others.