DO I have value as a human being? Does my worth depend on what I have done or on who I am? Both are aspects of self-esteem. As children, we were given many messages about ourselves, some good, some bad, but being shamed by our parents had the most damaging effect on how we felt about ourselves. Shaming is worse than being told that you did something wrong; it is being told that you are a bad person. A parent may say, “Look how stupid, foolish, clumsy . . . you are! You should be ashamed of yourself!”
Because we were too young to doubt our parents, repeated exposure to this kind of abuse evoked an inner echo of self-contempt that often continues throughout our lives. “If only I tried harder, I could . . .” becomes the enduring admonition of our own inner voice. Beyond the edge of awareness are the drive, the longing, and the lingering hope of being good enough to be validated by our parents.
Those of us who suffer a persistent sense of shame need to learn to forgive ourselves for not being perfect, for only being human. Knowing that no one can be perfect is not enough. Before we give up trying to achieve the impossible, we must also feel in our hearts what we know in our heads.
We must learn to forgive ourselves again and again and again.