RELATIONSHIP MATHEMATICS
- Smart man + smart woman = romance
- Smart man + dumb woman = affair
- Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
- Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
- Smart boss + smart employee = profit
- Smart boss + dumb employee = production
- Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
- Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
- To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
- To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
MEMORY Any married man should forget his mistakes; there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
APPEARANCE
- Men wake up as good-looking (or ugly) as they went to bed.
- Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
- A woman has the last word in any argument.
- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
COMPREHENSION There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman :
- before marriage and
- after marriage.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
- Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, cackling and poking me in the ribs, telling me, “You’re next.”
- They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
MARRIAGE, BEFORE AND AFTER
- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman of his dreams.
- After marriage, the “y” is silent